The Joke Thread
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Author:  Mychal [ April 16th, 2013, 6:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Smith was both a professional football player and an avid hunter. The last day of deer season coincided with the last game of the season. He told his wife, "I've sat on the bench all season. Would you wear my uniform and take my place while I go deer hunting?" She agreed.

But, with three minutes left in the game, the coach yelled, "Smith! You're in!" She couldn't say anything or her husband would lose his contract and be sued.

"What could possibly happen in just three minutes?" she thought, running onto the field. But the next thing she knew, she had the ball and guys were piling on top of her. When she finally came to, she was in the locker room, still wearing her helmet, but naked from the waist down.

The coach yelled, "Don't worry, Smith! They say as soon as we get your balls back down where they belong, your pecker will pop out."

Author:  B7s [ July 20th, 2013, 8:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says,

"The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies,

"Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

Author:  historian [ September 2nd, 2013, 12:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Why us older guys don't get hired anymore.

Job Interview

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a $%^&* what you think."

Author:  Evan614 [ September 2nd, 2013, 9:04 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Now that was funny. :thumbup:

Author:  Evan614 [ September 7th, 2013, 7:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Useless Funny trivia.. I love the commentary.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)
(I already have 2 bombs)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Author:  TexVP [ September 9th, 2013, 12:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy)

This makes me feel good for some reason.

I'm trying not to think about the pig.

Author:  Evan614 [ September 9th, 2013, 2:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

The bigger issue now is; if someone now says, to you - "you're such a pig" --- is that such a bad thing?

Author:  Hawaiianmark [ September 9th, 2013, 7:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread


Author:  pebbles1 [ September 15th, 2013, 9:50 am ]
Post subject:  Crumpled?

Stolen from a friend.

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her .....and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
", I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation..

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $30,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well, go look in the garage!"...she said.

Author:  Hawaiianmark [ September 16th, 2013, 2:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Oh that's a good one. Love it.

Author:  historian [ November 3rd, 2013, 1:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread


"Sorry, your password hasn’t been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one "

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."


"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."


"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."


"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."


"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."


"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."


"Sorry, that password is already in use."

Author:  Evan614 [ December 12th, 2013, 11:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Two physics students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second physics student replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want'."

The second physics nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Author:  Evan614 [ February 8th, 2014, 9:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

Author:  vespajet [ February 8th, 2014, 2:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Those remind me of some of Henny Youngman's jokes:

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

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