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Post Posted: June 30th, 2012, 6:47 pm 
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter", asked Larry "giving up?"


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..."

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Post Posted: July 28th, 2012, 6:35 am 
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A girl goes back to her dorm and says to her blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! how many is a brazilian???

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Post Posted: September 6th, 2012, 4:25 pm 
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THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder she said, "Good trade....."

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‎"The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself." -- Benjamin Franklin
"Why does everyone say grow a pair of balls? They are delicate and fragile... How bout 'grow a vagina', now those things take a pounding!" - Betty White
"There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't." - Unknown

1000100 1100101 1110010 1100101 1101011 1000001 1101100 1101100 1111001 1101110

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Post Posted: October 3rd, 2012, 7:01 pm 
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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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Post Posted: October 3rd, 2012, 7:17 pm 
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:drum:

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(look it up)

Post Posted: November 28th, 2012, 8:38 pm 
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A fourth-grade teacher asked her students what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Little Mikey said, "I want to be a billionaire, go to expensive clubs, find me a $%^&*, set her up in a penthouse apartment in Vegas, and buy her expensive jewelry and a Ferrari. Then I'll buy her a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly between her cribs, and I'll have sex with her all night and half the day."

The shocked teacher was at a loss for words. She took a deep breath and asked Little Suzi what she wanted to be when she grew up.
Little Suzi didn't hesitate. "Ma'am, as of right now, I'm lookin' to be Mikey's $%^&*!"

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Post Posted: December 6th, 2012, 10:23 am 
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I was sitting in the Rhumbar at Mirage when I spotted a pirate. A friggin pirate! He had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. Being curious, I bought him a drink and started talking to him. I asked him how he lost his leg.

"ARRR, It's a great story matey. We was whaling off the coast of Cuba one summer when I fell overboard right next to a giant whale. As I thrashed about in the water the whale came up and bit off me leg. Luckily, me crew rescued me and killed the whale. And that's how I ended up with this wooden leg."

So I asked him about the hook.

"Another great story me lad. We was battling the Queen's navy as we was trying to commadeer one of her ships. I was locked in a fierce sword fight with the captain, when out of nowhere a sailor's sword came down and chopped of me hand. I grabbed the sword with me left hand and dispatched both the captain and the sailor. After the fight, me crew fashioned this hook for me."

Well, what about your eye?

"A seegull pooped in it."

After such great stories I knew there had to be more. So I questioned, "A seagull pooped in it?"

"Well it be me first day with the hook....."

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Post Posted: December 22nd, 2012, 12:32 am 
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I was in a pub Saturday night nursing a brew
when I noticed two stout women at the bar.
They both had strong accents, so I inquired,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them responded, "It's Wales, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and replied,
"I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember.

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Post Posted: December 22nd, 2012, 5:11 pm 
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Evan614 wrote:
I was in a pub Saturday night nursing a brew
when I noticed two stout women at the bar.
They both had strong accents, so I inquired,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them responded, "It's Wales, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and replied,
"I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember.


somebody reads Playboy :icon_wink:

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Post Posted: December 22nd, 2012, 5:25 pm 
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B7s wrote:
Evan614 wrote:
I was in a pub Saturday night nursing a brew
when I noticed two stout women at the bar.
They both had strong accents, so I inquired,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them responded, "It's Wales, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and replied,
"I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember.


somebody reads Playboy :icon_wink:

It must be the guy that sent me the e-mail. :icon_biggrin:

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Post Posted: December 22nd, 2012, 6:14 pm 
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Never mind.......

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Post Posted: January 5th, 2013, 9:52 am 
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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On her way home she stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman says, feeling really happy.

After that she goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the woman thought what the hell and let him slip his hand down her pants. Ten minutes later the old man says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

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Post Posted: January 7th, 2013, 8:56 am 
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A group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge in Peoria, IL so they stopped.

The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says to the girl, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!"

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

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Post Posted: January 7th, 2013, 8:47 pm 
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Some more tasteless jokes I got in my e-mail box
.
.
.
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.

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Post Posted: January 8th, 2013, 9:28 am 
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(I am only guilty of coping & pasting)

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
Yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'



The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.



'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give Life..'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!'

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Post Posted: January 10th, 2013, 5:55 pm 
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Judge Hanson felt sorry for the elderly hooker when he heard her case, so he called a brief recess and retired to his chambers.
En route, he bumped into Judge Forbes. "Say, Forbes, what would you give a sixty-seven-year-old hooker?"
Forbes replied, "Oh, geez. Maybe twenty bucks, tops!"

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Post Posted: January 25th, 2013, 8:16 pm 
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Did I read that sign right:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
J u venile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

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Post Posted: February 15th, 2013, 8:04 pm 
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Ole was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Sven outside the jewelers.
Sven noticed that Ole had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
"So vat have you yust purchased Ole?" Sven asks.
"Vell, now that you've asked," replies Ole, "it's for my Lena for Valentine's Day."
I asked her this morning vat she vanted for a Valentine?
She said, "Oh, I don't know, dear, yust give me something vith a lot of diamonds in it.'"
"So vat did you get her?" Sven asks.

Ole replied, smiling, "I bought her a deck of cards."

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Post Posted: February 26th, 2013, 7:46 pm 
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Husband's Temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

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Post Posted: March 11th, 2013, 10:55 am 
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A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
Think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair
Have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who
Keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from
Reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think
That all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
Against not only blondes, but women in general... Pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little $%^&* on your lap."

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