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Post Posted: December 21st, 2011, 9:36 pm 
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A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon; suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared". The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: "Where the heck are you?"



Husband: “Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said ‘Baby it'll be yours one day.’”



Wife, with a smile blushing: “Yes, I remember that my Love.”



Husband: “Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop.”

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Post Posted: January 17th, 2012, 8:20 pm 
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One can never get enough history, especially when it happens to be interesting.


CONDOM HISTORY :

An interesting piece of history...

In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

I hope you appreciate this history update.

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Post Posted: January 23rd, 2012, 7:43 pm 
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Image

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Post Posted: January 27th, 2012, 9:05 am 
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RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the
' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting
room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

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Post Posted: January 31st, 2012, 12:18 pm 
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Tools Explained!
This for those of us who have the egocentric audacity to proclaim to be "handy".

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh $%^&*!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

$%^&* TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a $%^&*!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

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Post Posted: February 6th, 2012, 12:22 am 
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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........









"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a $%^&* Chihuahua?!"

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Post Posted: February 12th, 2012, 4:35 pm 
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HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services'. Terrorists would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right. A golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

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Post Posted: February 18th, 2012, 1:27 pm 
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The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth man was a government employee.

To show off, the engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his cat could do even better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was also pretty good. Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The government employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet... the the cookies, drank the milk, $%^&* on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

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Post Posted: February 22nd, 2012, 1:27 am 
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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Post Posted: April 14th, 2012, 1:40 pm 
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I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with
the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a couple of beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it.

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Post Posted: April 15th, 2012, 8:57 pm 
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."


The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

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Post Posted: April 16th, 2012, 12:40 am 
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:rolling: :rolling: :rolling:

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Post Posted: April 27th, 2012, 2:09 pm 
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So, that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

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Post Posted: April 28th, 2012, 2:24 am 
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Good one.

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Post Posted: April 28th, 2012, 2:21 pm 
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GROUCHO: Mr. Smith, it says here you have fourteen children. Why on earth would you have had so many children?

Mr. Smith: Well, I love my wife, Groucho.

GROUCHO: Yeah, I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

:drum:

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Post Posted: May 29th, 2012, 8:23 pm 
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Little Suzi was sitting on the front stoop of the catholic girls school, smoking a cigarette. The priest walked by and glared. "Suzi! Smoking? At your age? Aren't you ashamed?"

Little Suzi took a deep drag and replied through a cloud of smoke, "I always smoke after sex."

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Post Posted: May 31st, 2012, 11:29 pm 
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Sam had been away at war for three years, in many battles, and won many decorations. When he was finally discharged, he returned home to his wife and son. As he walked up the sidewalk to his front door, his young son saw him and cried, "Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!"

His mother replied, "I don't care what color it is. Let him in and you go play with your friends!"

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Post Posted: June 5th, 2012, 1:32 am 
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I saw two rather plump girls in a pub, speaking in strange accents. I said, "Hello. Are you two girls from Scotland?"

One screamed back at me, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

So I said, "Oh, sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

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Post Posted: June 13th, 2012, 9:31 pm 
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Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn -
A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ will keep the sheets off his legs.'

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Post Posted: June 13th, 2012, 9:36 pm 
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A man goes to confession after a 16 year absence.
As he sits in the booth, he looks around and says to the priest,
"Confessions have really changed father. I don't remember a leather chair, Guinness on tap and gay porn mags being in the booth before ?"

The priest replied, "That's because your in my seat"

-----------------------------------

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try"
After about 30 secs of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on" she demanded, "What day was I born"?
I said, "yesterday".
------------------------------------
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat woman dancing on a table.
I said to her "Nice legs".
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so ".

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now".

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