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The Joke Thread
http://www.vegasjonesing.com/viewtopic.php?f=95&t=226
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Author:  Mychal [ July 28th, 2011, 6:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Texting for Senior Citizens:

ATD: at the doctor
BFF: best friend fell
BTW: bring the wheelchair
BYOT: bring your own teeth
FWIW: forgot where I was
GGPBL: gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA: got heartburn again
IMHO: is my hearing aid on?
LMDO: laughing my dentures out
OMMR: on my massage recliner
ROFLACGU: rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
TTYL: talk to you louder

Author:  Mychal [ August 12th, 2011, 12:32 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

An old guy was working-out at the gym when he spotted a very shapely, young woman in spandex stretching against the wall.
He asked the trainer that was standing nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet young thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

Author:  pebbles1 [ August 16th, 2011, 7:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Would You marry Again? -

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "$%^&*."

Author:  Mychal [ August 18th, 2011, 7:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

A Native American Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."

He gets the man a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere... and then he just walks out.

The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that aboot, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave $%^&* for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Author:  Mychal [ August 18th, 2011, 7:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

I met a fairy today, and she said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die only after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"

"You’re a crafty little bastard," said the fairy.

Author:  Mychal [ August 21st, 2011, 1:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, ‘Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

‘Oh, no,’ says Dave. ‘He's on my bowling team.’

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,’How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.’

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says ‘Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, ‘Looks like you picked up a real $%^&* tonight, Dave.’

Author:  Mychal [ August 27th, 2011, 11:22 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

A dying woman told her granddaughter, "Marci, I'm going to leave my farm to you, including the villa, the farmhouse, the tractor, all my other equipment, and over $22 million."

The surprised Marci, about to become rich, said, "Oh, Granny! You are so generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

Granny replied, "Facebook!"

Author:  Mychal [ August 28th, 2011, 9:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

A woman found out that her dog, a schnauzer, could hardly hear... so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear just fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the woman that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The woman said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

The woman replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Author:  Mychal [ September 6th, 2011, 9:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

A group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jennie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.



Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.



Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.



Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice boobs and wore tight pants.



Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol.



Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.



Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.



Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Author:  Mychal [ September 8th, 2011, 7:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws and Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him."says Gallagher.

Author:  Tiki [ September 8th, 2011, 7:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Mychal wrote:
The waiter says "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that aboot, anyway?"



Must have been a Tim Hortons.

Author:  Mychal [ September 13th, 2011, 8:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Michelle Obama decided she wanted a couple of tattoos. She thought a wonderful way to entice her husband would be to get portraits of his mentors.

On the inside of one thigh, she had tattooed a portrait of MalcomX and on the other thigh a portrait of Louis Farrakhan.

Later, after all had healed and she thought the time was right, she surprised Barack and asked if he could tell which one was which.

Barack studied them closely and then nervously responded, "I don't know about those two, but the one in the middle looks like James Brown."

Author:  Evan614 [ September 15th, 2011, 10:30 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

TSA is looking for your input on their new slogans-- to be part of their 10th anniversary.
They all seem to be fitting.
Image

Author:  Mychal [ September 16th, 2011, 7:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Fred, Bill and Ed were fishing when Fred stood up to get a beer, lost his balance, and fell out of the boat. Ed said, "What'll we do?"

Bill yelled, "Jump in after him. Fred can't swim!" Ed jumped in and, after what seemed like an eternity, finally surfaced.

"Bill! Help me get him in the boat." Struggling, they finally wrestled Fred back into the boat.

Ed said, "Now what? I don't think he's breathing."

Bill said, "Give him mouth-to-mouth."

As Ed did, he recoiled. "Damn. I don't remember Fred having such bad breath."

Bill said, "Yeah, and I don't remember Fred wearing a snowmobile suit, either!"

Author:  Mychal [ September 28th, 2011, 10:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

An elderly man walks into the neighborhood barber shop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can never get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are too wrinkled.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When the barber is finished shaving him, the old man tells the barber that this is the cleanest shave he's had in 15 years. But then he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else."

Author:  Mychal [ October 12th, 2011, 10:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Father Larry was hearing confessions when he really had to go to the bathroom. He called to Jim the janitor and asked him to take over for him. Jim said, "But I don't know what to do."

Father Larry said, "Don't worry. If somebody comes in, just look up the punishment in that book on the table." Jim agreed.

Sure enough, soon a person entered the confessional booth. "Father, I have sinned. I cursed my mother."

Jim thumbed through the book, found the correct entry, and ordered, "Say two Hail Marys. You are forgiven."

A second person entered the booth. "Father, I have sinned. I cheated on a test."

Jim looked in the book and pronounced, "Say three Our Fathers. You are forgiven."

A third person entered the confessional booth. "Father, I have sinned. I had anal sex."

Jim looked in the book for anal sex, but found nothing. He leaned out and saw Little Johnny lighting candles. "Hey, Little Johnny," he whispered. "What does Father Larry give for anal sex?"

Little Johnny replied, "Usually two Snickers and a Coke."

Author:  Evan614 [ October 12th, 2011, 10:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

ok that was funny

Author:  historian [ November 22nd, 2011, 7:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

There was a knock on the door this past Sunday morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the $%^&* out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

Author:  B7s [ December 4th, 2011, 8:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

911 call


Author:  historian [ December 7th, 2011, 11:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

I was sitting with a friend at the golf course lounge the other day and pointed across the bar at two old guys sitting there and said, "That's us in ten years, buddy." and he said, "It's a mirror. That's us now $%^&*."

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