VegasJonesing.com

Jonesing for Vegas Forum
It is currently November 21st, 2019, 3:49 pm
Board index » Non Vegas Section » The Watering Hole



Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 94 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next
Author Message

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 21st, 2011, 9:31 pm
Posts: 662
Location: upper left corner
Favorite Property: Paradise, Nevada
(look it up)

Post Posted: April 26th, 2011, 11:54 pm 
Top  
A princess, walking past a pond in the royal gardens, looked down and saw a hideous frog. "My, you're an ugly frog!"

To her surprise, the frog replied, "I know. I had a really bad spell cast on me."

"Well, I've seen frogs with bad spells before, but none as ugly as you."

"Look, lady; just leave me alone. Like I said, it was a really bad spell."

The princess wavered. "So, if I do kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince?"

The frog concluded, "I doubt it. A spell this bad will probably take a blow job."

_________________
Tip for life:
Live like you're gonna die... 'cause you're gonna

 Profile  
Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 21st, 2011, 9:31 pm
Posts: 662
Location: upper left corner
Favorite Property: Paradise, Nevada
(look it up)

Post Posted: May 2nd, 2011, 10:00 pm 
Top  
A man found his friend playing chess with a dog. Astonished, he said, "I can't believe my eyes! That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

His buddy replied, "Oh, he's not so smart. I've beaten him three games out of five!"

_________________
Tip for life:
Live like you're gonna die... 'cause you're gonna

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 21st, 2011, 9:31 pm
Posts: 662
Location: upper left corner
Favorite Property: Paradise, Nevada
(look it up)

Post Posted: May 23rd, 2011, 10:23 am 
Top  
Jack applied for a signalman's job on the railroad and met his new boss at the signal tower. The boss gave Jack a pop quiz. "What would you do if you realized two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Jack said, "I'd switch one to another track."

"What if the switch lever broke?"

"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever."

"What if the manual lever had been struck by lightning?"

"I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal tower."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"I'd run down to the station and use the pay phone."

"What if the pay phone had been vandalized?"

Jack, tiring of this silly game, responded, "Well, I guess in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

The inspector looked puzzled. "Why on Earth would you do that?"

Jack concluded, "Because Leo's never seen a train wreck!"

_________________
Tip for life:
Live like you're gonna die... 'cause you're gonna

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 21st, 2011, 9:31 pm
Posts: 662
Location: upper left corner
Favorite Property: Paradise, Nevada
(look it up)

Post Posted: May 30th, 2011, 10:17 pm 
Top  
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limousine at the airport (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never come to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a sly smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 90 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my job... and my license' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 90 mph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The President?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

_________________
Tip for life:
Live like you're gonna die... 'cause you're gonna

 Profile  

Offline
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2011, 2:01 pm
Posts: 2421
Location: Buckeye Capital
Favorite Property: Rio

Post Posted: June 5th, 2011, 10:14 am 
Top  
A father put his three-year old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch, and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
__________________

_________________
Friends don't let friends read LVRJ.

 Profile  

Offline
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2011, 2:01 pm
Posts: 2421
Location: Buckeye Capital
Favorite Property: Rio

Post Posted: June 5th, 2011, 10:45 am 
Top  
Two women at a bar one night having a drink..

In walks a cute guy that has a bit of Dandruff.....

The Brunett turns to the Blonde and says "That guy needs Head and Shoulders"

The Blonde then turns to the Brunett and asks "How do you give shoulders"?

_________________
Friends don't let friends read LVRJ.

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 21st, 2011, 9:31 pm
Posts: 662
Location: upper left corner
Favorite Property: Paradise, Nevada
(look it up)

Post Posted: June 5th, 2011, 10:50 pm 
Top  
On the way to a monthly meeting, an elderly lady was stopped by a highway patrolman. He asked for her drivers license and insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman. In with the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal carry permit.

He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something, body language or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, and she responded once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.
The officer then asked her what was she so afraid of?

She looked him right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"

_________________
Tip for life:
Live like you're gonna die... 'cause you're gonna

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 9th, 2011, 1:21 am
Posts: 2426

Post Posted: June 6th, 2011, 9:36 pm 
Top  
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

Image

_________________
"Cute? I hate cute."

Louie DePalma 'Taxi'

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 21st, 2011, 9:31 pm
Posts: 662
Location: upper left corner
Favorite Property: Paradise, Nevada
(look it up)

Post Posted: June 7th, 2011, 9:31 pm 
Top  
Two gay guys watched a stunning redheaded woman walk past them on a Starbucks patio.
One guy, Neil, shook his head and said, "You know, Bob, it's times like this that make me wish I was a lesbian."

_________________
Tip for life:
Live like you're gonna die... 'cause you're gonna

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 3rd, 2011, 6:55 pm
Posts: 2200
Location: Cumbria, UK. (Back of Beyond)
Favorite Property: Rio

Post Posted: June 21st, 2011, 12:53 pm 
Top  
A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "It's not the same hat!" or "He's hiding flowers under the table!" Or "ALL the cards are the ace of spades!"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea and, as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. What did you do with the $%^&* ship?"

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 4th, 2011, 8:35 pm
Posts: 1235

Post Posted: June 21st, 2011, 12:55 pm 
Top  
Mychal wrote:
On the way to a monthly meeting, an elderly lady was stopped by a highway patrolman. He asked for her drivers license and insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman. In with the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal carry permit.

He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something, body language or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, and she responded once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.
The officer then asked her what was she so afraid of?

She looked him right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"


God made man. God made woman. Smith and Wesson made them equal. ;-)

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 25th, 2011, 11:35 am
Posts: 74
Location: Stuck in a mudhole

Post Posted: June 21st, 2011, 2:53 pm 
Top  
A tough looking group of bikers were riding down Rt 275 heading toward the Skyway Bridge when they saw
a girl about to jump off the bridge so they stopped. The leader, a big hairy, mean looking guy, gets off
his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering French kiss. After she's finished, the biker says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be
famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

_________________
Open Up My Head & Let Me Out

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 21st, 2011, 9:31 pm
Posts: 662
Location: upper left corner
Favorite Property: Paradise, Nevada
(look it up)

Post Posted: July 4th, 2011, 6:00 pm 
Top  
How many cops does it take to throw a suspect down the stairs?
None. He fell.

_________________
Tip for life:
Live like you're gonna die... 'cause you're gonna

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 4th, 2011, 9:34 am
Posts: 2006
Location: Inland Northwest
Favorite Property: Cosmopolitan

Post Posted: July 6th, 2011, 2:42 pm 
Top  
Image

_________________
"Being a vegetarian is a big missed steak" -- Woody Paige

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 4th, 2011, 10:23 am
Posts: 1764
Location: Woodinville WA
Favorite Property: THE El Cortez

Post Posted: July 6th, 2011, 2:54 pm 
Top  
Lol!

_________________
:drinkingbuddies:
‎"The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself." -- Benjamin Franklin
"Why does everyone say grow a pair of balls? They are delicate and fragile... How bout 'grow a vagina', now those things take a pounding!" - Betty White
"There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't." - Unknown

1000100 1100101 1110010 1100101 1101011 1000001 1101100 1101100 1111001 1101110

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 25th, 2011, 11:35 am
Posts: 74
Location: Stuck in a mudhole

Post Posted: July 7th, 2011, 10:25 am 
Top  
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”

_________________
Open Up My Head & Let Me Out

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 21st, 2011, 9:31 pm
Posts: 662
Location: upper left corner
Favorite Property: Paradise, Nevada
(look it up)

Post Posted: July 15th, 2011, 7:27 pm 
Top  
A man, sitting at home alone, heard a knock on the door. He opened it to find two sheriff's deputies. One deputy asked, "Sir, are you married?"
"Yes, I am, officer. Why?"
"Do you have a photograph of your wife?"
"Yeah." He grabbed a photo off the mantle.
The deputy said, "I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy replied, "I know, but she's an excellent cook, and the kids seem to like her."

_________________
Tip for life:
Live like you're gonna die... 'cause you're gonna

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 21st, 2011, 9:31 pm
Posts: 662
Location: upper left corner
Favorite Property: Paradise, Nevada
(look it up)

Post Posted: July 16th, 2011, 12:48 pm 
Top  
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about 45 minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant and retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed, complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He wouldn't let-up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "while you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

_________________
Tip for life:
Live like you're gonna die... 'cause you're gonna

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 4th, 2011, 9:34 am
Posts: 2006
Location: Inland Northwest
Favorite Property: Cosmopolitan

Post Posted: July 17th, 2011, 8:41 am 
Top  
Image

_________________
"Being a vegetarian is a big missed steak" -- Woody Paige

 Profile  

Offline
Jonesing Member
User avatar

Joined: April 21st, 2011, 9:31 pm
Posts: 662
Location: upper left corner
Favorite Property: Paradise, Nevada
(look it up)

Post Posted: July 23rd, 2011, 12:23 pm 
Top  
Old guys are considerate.

Walter was in the grocery store the other day, pushing a cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing his cart. He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. Coincidentally, I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

Walter said, "Hmm, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy said, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, fit, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

Walter said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

_________________
Tip for life:
Live like you're gonna die... 'cause you're gonna

 Profile  
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 94 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

Jump to:  


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group :: Style based on FI Subice by phpBBservice.nl :: All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]